The Hue that got Me

They say, "Everyone becomes a poet when their hearts are goddamn breaking.."

And so she wondered if her heart ever stopped breaking coz it felt she had always been like a poet. And if only she could write all the rawness of her emotions lately..maybe, just maybe,  But no, she chose not to, of all the other things there are these few that is better kept in the deepest part of her heart.

Somebody left this heart in the cold.. nobody to hold on.

*insert-tellmewhereithurtssong-by-MYMP"

Jego

Whenever i see a red car anywhere around
I automatically remember you

I wonder what if it's yours

Will you recognize me
Even from a distance
right through the tinted window?

More like a thousand times i imagined

Continuously playing on my cassette mind

The things we could have done together

The moments we should have created

Our forever and happily ever after

Why...why it lasted so soon?

I'm pretty scolding myself
Each time i look for you in every crowd

With hopes i'd bump into you and awkwardly say "hi..please don't say goodbye again..."

Its crazy and weird.
How old memories can still have the ability to cut us open and put plenty onions in our eyes...


i terribly miss you.

Still Her Hue

She lie down on her bed as she stared blankly at the ceiling while thoughts invaded her cluttered mind. Remembering how it all started and how it all ended in utter dismay. She can't clearly understand why suddenly it turned out that way. Lost in her thoughts as the rain pours terribly loud over the roof and such deafeaning roar of thunder follows by. There may be a typhoon coming but it couldn't be any more dreadful than her bursting emotional storm. Just then a familiar cold feeling crept inside her fragile body. The icy chill of the night made her tremble in sadness as she pulled her blanket over her head, trying to lie down still but she can't help but to turn from one side to the other consecutively for a couple of minutes. The absolute darkness made her shiver and a little bit uncomfortable. It reminded her so much of the void space in her heart. She hugs her pillow a little bit more closer to her chest. Wanting to hide the hollowness in her heart but she knows no matter how she covers it, it's still, always have been empty.


She was resentfully still for a moment. Thinking that forever might have been near enough to reach or did she just thought it was. She was too blinded with deep affection that she didn't notice if there was any warning signs at all; or so she just recognized some of it after that ill-fated day. She closes her eyes and try not to think of him. She just can't. Just by the thought of his name made her heart beats fast. The sweet old memories compiled in the deep cavern of her mind started to break out. She wonders about him. How he's doing, who's he's with and that he's probably not even thinking of her anymore. How he has easily forgotten all about her. She can't help but to feel dejected. Why suddenly, she felt less. A little less worthy to keep, a little less pretty to adore, a little less confident to stand out, a little less of a woman to love, a little less dead to be alive. She knows she shouldn't feel that way but at this moment that's exactly how she feels. Slowly, teardrops formed on her right eye while another is rushing past the other one and all of it was uncontrollably flowing.


She started to cry silently underneath the blanket that shielded her from her own weakness. She quivers trying to be as quiet as she still attempts to convince herself that she is totally fine. Holding her broken pieces tightly together so it won't shatter. Yet she failed. She can't fight the urge to collapse. She knows she's been hurting and concealing the pain inside her for so long. That's when she let it all out and burst into extreme tears, wetting her pillow endlessly. Catching her breath in between sobs, she felt more exhausted with all her crying than all the work she had been doing everyday to keep herself busy.



She shuts her eyes tightly closed. Not wanting to cry anymore. Not wanting to feel anything. It hurts her throat to wail. She could no longer hear her tiny voice. Her eyes swollen in unpleasant red hues. Every part of her is inflicted in severe pain. Still, stubborn tears sneak out and freely run down through her face. Her heart becomes more heavier and heavier than it seems. It won't stop. Why does it still hurts so much? She mutters to herself. All she ever wanted was to stop her heart from continously breaking....


but it won't.

Unloving HI

Actions undone. 
Feelings unshared.
Forever denied.

"Hi" is shortest (actually dangerous) word that can change your life..or affect you in the most surprising way you never thought you'd be. Can you imagine how many "hi's" are exchanged from two or more people each moment everyday? Some get along well together, most of them, maybe, are just passersby in one's existence. They don't need to care, do they? Anyway, the only thing i hate about "hi" is that it can turn into a "goodbye" in a blink of an eye that neither of you and the other person had anticipated.

THAMD #28 ∞ Nine

Dear ∞ Hue,

Wanyir. 

Always ∞ Me

711

Once upon a time...

in the city of dreams,

 there was a girl who loves sneakers and bear.

How could she possibly forget ?

But some stories are too special to share so she'll rather end it with...

"They end up happily-never-after."

REDCOLLECTION

The Girl Who Hated Weekends

It's not that she doesn't enjoy weekends. She actually do. Knowing that it's the time when she's free to do almost anything she wanted to. Like watching her favorite movies and tv series, read books, cook some food, have some coffee somewhere, shop around various malls or simply just indulge with her "me time" moments. But that all changed. Not actually the routine, but the focus, the excitement, the feeling. It's gone. Something much greater and addictive took place.


Remembering the time you and her used to talk a lot every time of everyday until it happened that the weekends suddenly become a lil bit restricted. She agreed and acted okay with the "no communication during weekends" but deep inside, it isn't okay. It may sound a bit too demanding but she only wished that you could still talk more or even just a little between free hours. That she can still reach you anytime. That she can still call or message you the fresh happenings like about that cute guy who smiled at her on the way to work (even she knows you'd be dead jealous about it) or that the coffee she ordered was your favorite and your name was written on the cup. She can also ask and know how you've been doing..stuffs like that and all. Small things mean a lot..do they?


Dont get her wrong. She does understand the situation and the whatever-getting-to-know-M.U-relationship you both have. She ain't forgetting that she's just some random girl you met behind the thick wall of distance. It's just that she felt it's unfair coz she's been missing you the whole time. Her weekend always turn out to be a disaster. She do try to focus and get busy but it doesn't seem right. She felt unhappy doing the things she usually enjoyed doing before you came to her life. Before she got too attached..too drowned with your existence..almost, too inlove with you.


What she's gonna do to make the days go faster? She's impatiently waiting for Monday to come so things will get back to normal and the nonstop conversation will resume, and that the sweet connection will be reconnected again. Was that bad? She guessed so. If you only knew, how terribly, awfully sad she is whenever Friday comes because that's when you have to pack and leave..for a while. She did try to console herself not to be affected but it only gotten worse. She even thought those were just some bunch of excuses to get you some fun time which she could have understood if you only told her the real issues. Well, she just cried it out all to herself anyway.


She can't really imagine how much she craved for your presence and loathed so much on your absence that not hearing from you for an hour or so is such a horrible feeling. So you see, two days and a half with no communication at all is such a dreadful torture..to her.


She doesn't know what you think about her. But to her, she is sure enough that you are someone more than just convenient. She doesn't talk or hang around with you because she had her heart broken or just because she felt lonely and needs some company. She choose to stick with you because you are the most wonderful blessing she ever had. And because you make her feel alive. You're like the missing piece that completed her. Like you are a part of hers. It's like you installed the most advance software in her whole system that motivated her to be the best version of herself before even asking for the agreed fakey fee in return. And you didnt even hesitated to say "yes" when she jokingly asked for pizza and a lifetime supply of Dutchmill yogurt in exchange if ever she pays that fee, well that fee she knows you'll never accept for real. The best things are free. Both of you just wanted to be together. To make solid memories. To race with forever. And yes it was too dreamy to be real.


Right now, she didn't know where she got the strength to get through everything after it all ended right before it even started.


How she managed not to wait for any messages. How she stopped using her phone again. How she restricted herself in some social areas. How she goes inside her box again with a huge sign of "Too Broken to be Fragile" neatly taped outside so no one would dare bother her. How she tries hard not to remember those times when half of her daily routine was talking to you.


She is totally clueless. All she ever knows and she's certain about is, she's just some random girl you knew, some girl whom you haven't personally met that you will eventually forget and maybe, even when you'll see each other someday, you'll barely recognize the feeling. She won't matter anymore.


..She will be just some random girl you once knew. 



 The girl who hated weekends.

THAMD #27 ∞ HBD

Dear ∞ Hue,

Eat. Pray. Love...

Always ∞ Me

Her Hue

She still feel him. After all, she had never forgotten every single detail about him. Deeply imprinted in her mind and heart..for how long? She thought. How could she not remember? Alas, they weren't together anymore. "Nothing" is forever. So he could have been her "nothing". Maybe they could have saved whatever they had and raced for that beastly forever.


But no, in reality all that could ever last are memories..or was it about to fade as well? Lost in her wandering thoughts and vague mutterings that made her even more helpless. Looking for the horrible "the end" sign as maybe, a solid proof that it was really getting nowhere and that surely, it is dead end.


She needed her life back. She's running out of time. No matter how long she waited doesn't mean it will stop or wait for her.  She just needed to push harder to get up even when she felt like burying herself in those comforting sheets that witnessed almost everything she was for the past few months. The sleepless nights, the endless tears, if only the pillows could talk, it would have told her,

"stop..he's not worth those tears.."

or that the sheets could give a warm embrace, and that it would whisper

"I'm always here for you.."

Sadly, no, they couldn't. They are all just deaf witnesses of her terrible collapsing moments. Non-living things don't talk, nor feel..but how ironic that they know how to stay. Yeah because they don't actually move. silly.


After all that heart-mind war inside her, she finally gets up, darted straight to the bathroom. Slowly turned on the shower knob and let the cold droplets devour over her skin while watching each drop as it swirls down the drain.  Right then she hoped that her feelings would be all gone that easy, but it wasn't. Every day.. almost everytime before she leaves for work, she never miss to wear the very familiar mask she thought she'd never gonna wear again. That forced smile. Eventhough it's a fake one, no one will know it.


She was convinced just like everyone else around was.

..who stole her real smile away? him.

빼빼로

Give me a moment of truth.

Why sometimes in life, you don't know anymore what to believe - your mind that tells you that it's all over or your heart that is still yearning for the love that's been gone?

Sheet.

What's Me When There's No Hue

She come home at 6:00pm everyday. For at least, that is her expected calculation to arrive if not caught in an overwhelmingly annoying traffic. How many stoplights? How many brakes to hold before she even reached home? Didn't dare to count it. She just silently wished it would be less..every thing that's saddening in her life to be...less.

Staring blankly at the crowded road, commuters rushing in and out the pavement, vehicles honking ridiculously, from everywhere she looks everyone is moving. The world simply never stops..so why will she?

As her unit's door gets unlocked, she's relieved to see a familiar space, the inviting scent of relaxation, only that she knows it's empty. Something's missing. Like that feeling she expected someone to kiss her in the cheeks and ask if she had eaten already or might even peek what's inside her shopping bag. Something romantic. She stares for a while at the blank space before her, then mindlessly threw her bag on the couch, turned on the television which is automatically set to Disney Channel and tried hard to shake off those sickening hopes that had been turning into obsessively dreadful wishes lately.


So tired and consumed entirely by her most uninvited thoughts. She came back to her senses and realized she still needs to do some other things rather than to exert too much effort in pushing those thoughts away. It wont leave her anyway. So let it hang around her cluttered mind. Her night routine - trying to have a healthy dinner but always ends up with a satisfying high calorie snack, checking numerous emails, glancing over the phone several times like hell waiting for unsent texts to arrive or maybe an unexpected call from someone expected, a more or else 15-minute warm bath and after that awaits another hour of vanity that a girl does to make her look alive and not some kind of a walking dead. Also, add up that TV series she's so hooked to watch and that unfinished book lying in the side of her bed for quite some time because she isn't actually reading much of it, rather just unconsciously staring at the pages while her train of thoughts about you played on her mind.


Facing the mirror, she combs her hair gently and then grabbed this essential thing. She could feel the warm air blowing through her hair like it was the heat she needed in a cold dark evening. The rumbling noise seemingly stirred her numb emotion that made her sweat a little from the inside. She's almost done  — drying her hair would be a lot easier now after cutting it short. She finally gave up her precious long hair. Not that because she's brokenhearted but she felt like she needed a change. Definitely both. Or should she confess that someone told her how more attractive short-haired girls are? She gave in to that hoping that being an ugly duckling for a long time would magically turn her into the most loveliest swan. Err..more like a prettiest princess who deserves a happily-ever-after. She pursed her lips into a thin smile then pouted while imagining a kiss would come by. With that look in her face, no doubt she's cute, her zombie version kind of pretty, not with bulging eyes of course rather a pair of healthy eye-bags and pale skin — blame Insomnia for being her best friend.

 She wished you were her insomnia so you never had to leave her. 

A few moments lost in trance. She felt loneliness swallowing her up. Even when her head feels lighter she can't deny that her heart is getting heavier each time. She wondered. Was there an arrow pierced on it?  Or a dozen of rocks piled inside? She didn't care to know why.
All she did was carry it every single moment of her life.

...since you left.

THAMD #26 ∞ April Fools

Dear ∞ Hue,

The official day for fools and those fooled. Is there a need to celebrate?
Let's meet then.

Always ∞ Me

Champola

This has nothing to do with anything. Yet there are those times that i feel like doing amazingly weird things or whatever that is. It's delightfully yum and this is one of my energy booster for such tiring and boring days.

I can't write anything yet. or did i?

THAMD #25 ∞ No Hues

Dear ∞ Hue,

Someone's trying to get my attention. That someone may have succeeded a bit. In a way coz that someone talks argues and acts like you. I know for sure it's not really you. But kind of like you, though even with all that, i know, it can't be you. Coz i know no one can ever be like you.

You're different. I'm kind of strange. Ayt?

Always ∞ Me

Wondering Whys

Why do we have to meet people whose bound to leave in the end or worse, right in the middle of something when special closeness had already formed?

Why, when you have a lot of love to give yet there's no one else eager and brave enough to take their chance on you. It's like you're not deserving to have your own kind of fairytale to show off in the whole universe. It's like you're better off to be a wallflower hanged in the wall, pretty outside yet broken inside. That it actually made you wonder if there will ever be this time that out in the middle of nowhere someone out there will fearlessly choose to be with you, no matter what the circumstances may be.

Why, maybe those people leave for their own reasons along with the connecting reasons when they enter someone else' life. It sucks when they give the possibility of hope that you will both be together forever but then, they just ripped it away..so easily. 

Why, sometimes, it's not about falling in love rather it's the fear of getting too close and losing that someone in the end or precisely worse, right in the middle of something..and feel that tormenting pain all over again.

THAMD #24 ∞ such a Relief

Dear ∞ Hue,

Know what happened last friday the 13th? Ohh. Wish me luck! Some unusual things really did occur that day but the highlight of it all was that – All my e-books and movies (mostly cartoons -_- ) got accidentally DELETED. (With strenuous effort i was able to restore it the next day..thank God!) 

and i think i saw you.. 

In my dreams?

Always ∞ Me

THAMD #23 ∞ Series of the Recent Past

Dear ∞ Hue,

Another friday the 13th. There's no such thing as badluck, i know. But somehow i find myself waiting for something unusual to happen. Something that would convince me that this day is really different from the normal booooring days. Im so busy lately but it amazes me that i still think about you. Months had gone fast yet the memories keep on flashing in my mind. Actually, i've got it all recorded that it automatically plays like a TV series in my head anytime, anywhere. Just like that. Who cares anyway? 

Always ∞ Me

A Love Test

It must have been.

The Red Collection updated!

THAMD #22 ∞ Pandora

Dear ∞ Hue,

I never thought i could write so much in here. This little box wherein my emotions are tightly sealed. I wonder maybe someday, one day, you'll came across this page and probably you won't care much about whatever is in here. But that's okay. I guess..or maybe not?

Always ∞ Me

Bad Hair Day

You don't know how did it happened.

One day, you just woke up having the worst feeling ever in your life. You know you needed a fix. But you were too busy being hysterical. Maybe you needed it first. Tears to flow for a clearer vision of everything. Just like the car needed the windshield wipers to removes the rain and dusts. You needed to cry. To let all the pain be washed away.

Pain is like having a bad hair day, you don't want people to see you in the most ugliest scenes of your life. You know, coz you may scare them away. And I bet, you won't like that to happen. But sometimes, it's really out of control. You've just got to trust who will still choose to stay.

And though it feels like your universe is completely destroyed.. know that it will be rebuilt.

Maybe not now, not yet. Maybe someday.