Wattages

Coz srsly, what is she so afraid of?


So what? if she smiles to hide the pain

So what? if she loves someone unsure of her

So what? if she wasn't enough for someone to be contented with only her

So what? if she wasn't worth it for anybody to keep her

So what? if she wasn't appreciated at all

So what? if she isn't pretty

So what? if she cares too much about everything around her

So what? if she gets replaced by someone else so easily

So what? if she is hard to love and easy to leave

So what? if she feels scared of losing those who matter to her the most

So what? if she gets her heart broken over and over again

So what? if she isn't noticed and always ignored

So what? if she remembers and they all forgot her

So what? if she is gone

So what? if no one stays

So what? if she seem alone, all her life


SO WHAAAAAT?? if it scares her so much



...that it was all too much for her to bear.







Can't she be anything to you?

Too Much Hues

Sometimes, we are too focused on someone that we tend to overlook those who are more deserving of our attention.

Sometimes, it's all too much of you.

Maybe it's time to look around.


But still..
none of them could be you.

Sneaky Feels

Some feelings just dont go away.

Even when it is covered by another one. It's just like wrapping yourself in a dozen of blankets when its cold.


Isn't it?

Jego

Whenever i see a red car anywhere around
I automatically remember you

I wonder what if it's yours

Will you recognize me
Even from a distance
right through the tinted window?

More like a thousand times i imagined

Continuously playing on my cassette mind

The things we could have done together

The moments we should have created

Our forever and happily ever after

Why...why it lasted so soon?

I'm pretty scolding myself
Each time i look for you in every crowd

With hopes i'd bump into you and awkwardly say "hi..please don't say goodbye again..."

Its crazy and weird.
How old memories can still have the ability to cut us open and put plenty onions in our eyes...


i terribly miss you.

Unloving HI

Actions undone. 
Feelings unshared.
Forever denied.

"Hi" is shortest (actually dangerous) word that can change your life..or affect you in the most surprising way you never thought you'd be. Can you imagine how many "hi's" are exchanged from two or more people each moment everyday? Some get along well together, most of them, maybe, are just passersby in one's existence. They don't need to care, do they? Anyway, the only thing i hate about "hi" is that it can turn into a "goodbye" in a blink of an eye that neither of you and the other person had anticipated.

Meow Trap

When you changed, i was left wondering why.

Was it me? Because maybe my eyes are too big for you or my humor is making you so sick that you can't even laugh at it.

Or was it you? Because maybe, in a sudden heartbeat, you realized I wasn't attractive at all. That you just got confused with "like" as "love", that you assumed your feelings can turn into something deeper and long lasting, you tried... but it didn't.


So there, the aftermath of this ruptured sweet connection had me devastated. I dont know why did i ever let myself fall for someone who, right in the middle, ended up unsure.

The Girl Who Hated Weekends

It's not that she doesn't enjoy weekends. She actually do. Knowing that it's the time when she's free to do almost anything she wanted to. Like watching her favorite movies and tv series, read books, cook some food, have some coffee somewhere, shop around various malls or simply just indulge with her "me time" moments. But that all changed. Not actually the routine, but the focus, the excitement, the feeling. It's gone. Something much greater and addictive took place.


Remembering the time you and her used to talk a lot every time of everyday until it happened that the weekends suddenly become a lil bit restricted. She agreed and acted okay with the "no communication during weekends" but deep inside, it isn't okay. It may sound a bit too demanding but she only wished that you could still talk more or even just a little between free hours. That she can still reach you anytime. That she can still call or message you the fresh happenings like about that cute guy who smiled at her on the way to work (even she knows you'd be dead jealous about it) or that the coffee she ordered was your favorite and your name was written on the cup. She can also ask and know how you've been doing..stuffs like that and all. Small things mean a lot..do they?


Dont get her wrong. She does understand the situation and the whatever-getting-to-know-M.U-relationship you both have. She ain't forgetting that she's just some random girl you met behind the thick wall of distance. It's just that she felt it's unfair coz she's been missing you the whole time. Her weekend always turn out to be a disaster. She do try to focus and get busy but it doesn't seem right. She felt unhappy doing the things she usually enjoyed doing before you came to her life. Before she got too attached..too drowned with your existence..almost, too inlove with you.


What she's gonna do to make the days go faster? She's impatiently waiting for Monday to come so things will get back to normal and the nonstop conversation will resume, and that the sweet connection will be reconnected again. Was that bad? She guessed so. If you only knew, how terribly, awfully sad she is whenever Friday comes because that's when you have to pack and leave..for a while. She did try to console herself not to be affected but it only gotten worse. She even thought those were just some bunch of excuses to get you some fun time which she could have understood if you only told her the real issues. Well, she just cried it out all to herself anyway.


She can't really imagine how much she craved for your presence and loathed so much on your absence that not hearing from you for an hour or so is such a horrible feeling. So you see, two days and a half with no communication at all is such a dreadful torture..to her.


She doesn't know what you think about her. But to her, she is sure enough that you are someone more than just convenient. She doesn't talk or hang around with you because she had her heart broken or just because she felt lonely and needs some company. She choose to stick with you because you are the most wonderful blessing she ever had. And because you make her feel alive. You're like the missing piece that completed her. Like you are a part of hers. It's like you installed the most advance software in her whole system that motivated her to be the best version of herself before even asking for the agreed fakey fee in return. And you didnt even hesitated to say "yes" when she jokingly asked for pizza and a lifetime supply of Dutchmill yogurt in exchange if ever she pays that fee, well that fee she knows you'll never accept for real. The best things are free. Both of you just wanted to be together. To make solid memories. To race with forever. And yes it was too dreamy to be real.


Right now, she didn't know where she got the strength to get through everything after it all ended right before it even started.


How she managed not to wait for any messages. How she stopped using her phone again. How she restricted herself in some social areas. How she goes inside her box again with a huge sign of "Too Broken to be Fragile" neatly taped outside so no one would dare bother her. How she tries hard not to remember those times when half of her daily routine was talking to you.


She is totally clueless. All she ever knows and she's certain about is, she's just some random girl you knew, some girl whom you haven't personally met that you will eventually forget and maybe, even when you'll see each other someday, you'll barely recognize the feeling. She won't matter anymore.


..She will be just some random girl you once knew. 



 The girl who hated weekends.

HV

I still remember...
How you made me smile
With those corny yet sweet lines
How you annoy me
When you don't reply for more than an hour
How you made me cry
When we argue with little things
How you simply make me happy
With me knowing that I have you
How your morning voice sounded so sexy
Coz you were half asleep wanting to say good morning
How you made me feel special everytime
How you get jealous once in a while
How you made me mad and worried
When you curiously removed your shoes while driving
And you..you were just laughing at me like it was damn funny
How you were annoyed with the stoplights
Yet you loved it after anyway because we could talk more
How I imagine my life with you
How I thought that I was meant for you
How I hope I could see you
How I wished we could be together
How I miss you everyday
How I fall in love so hard
How I waited for you to come back
How I was left behind
How I tried to digest goodbye
How I am still thinking of you now
I still remember...

THAMD #27 ∞ HBD

Dear ∞ Hue,

Eat. Pray. Love...

Always ∞ Me

Her Hue

She still feel him. After all, she had never forgotten every single detail about him. Deeply imprinted in her mind and heart..for how long? She thought. How could she not remember? Alas, they weren't together anymore. "Nothing" is forever. So he could have been her "nothing". Maybe they could have saved whatever they had and raced for that beastly forever.


But no, in reality all that could ever last are memories..or was it about to fade as well? Lost in her wandering thoughts and vague mutterings that made her even more helpless. Looking for the horrible "the end" sign as maybe, a solid proof that it was really getting nowhere and that surely, it is dead end.


She needed her life back. She's running out of time. No matter how long she waited doesn't mean it will stop or wait for her.  She just needed to push harder to get up even when she felt like burying herself in those comforting sheets that witnessed almost everything she was for the past few months. The sleepless nights, the endless tears, if only the pillows could talk, it would have told her,

"stop..he's not worth those tears.."

or that the sheets could give a warm embrace, and that it would whisper

"I'm always here for you.."

Sadly, no, they couldn't. They are all just deaf witnesses of her terrible collapsing moments. Non-living things don't talk, nor feel..but how ironic that they know how to stay. Yeah because they don't actually move. silly.


After all that heart-mind war inside her, she finally gets up, darted straight to the bathroom. Slowly turned on the shower knob and let the cold droplets devour over her skin while watching each drop as it swirls down the drain.  Right then she hoped that her feelings would be all gone that easy, but it wasn't. Every day.. almost everytime before she leaves for work, she never miss to wear the very familiar mask she thought she'd never gonna wear again. That forced smile. Eventhough it's a fake one, no one will know it.


She was convinced just like everyone else around was.

..who stole her real smile away? him.

What's Me When There's No Hue

She come home at 6:00pm everyday. For at least, that is her expected calculation to arrive if not caught in an overwhelmingly annoying traffic. How many stoplights? How many brakes to hold before she even reached home? Didn't dare to count it. She just silently wished it would be less..every thing that's saddening in her life to be...less.

Staring blankly at the crowded road, commuters rushing in and out the pavement, vehicles honking ridiculously, from everywhere she looks everyone is moving. The world simply never stops..so why will she?

As her unit's door gets unlocked, she's relieved to see a familiar space, the inviting scent of relaxation, only that she knows it's empty. Something's missing. Like that feeling she expected someone to kiss her in the cheeks and ask if she had eaten already or might even peek what's inside her shopping bag. Something romantic. She stares for a while at the blank space before her, then mindlessly threw her bag on the couch, turned on the television which is automatically set to Disney Channel and tried hard to shake off those sickening hopes that had been turning into obsessively dreadful wishes lately.


So tired and consumed entirely by her most uninvited thoughts. She came back to her senses and realized she still needs to do some other things rather than to exert too much effort in pushing those thoughts away. It wont leave her anyway. So let it hang around her cluttered mind. Her night routine - trying to have a healthy dinner but always ends up with a satisfying high calorie snack, checking numerous emails, glancing over the phone several times like hell waiting for unsent texts to arrive or maybe an unexpected call from someone expected, a more or else 15-minute warm bath and after that awaits another hour of vanity that a girl does to make her look alive and not some kind of a walking dead. Also, add up that TV series she's so hooked to watch and that unfinished book lying in the side of her bed for quite some time because she isn't actually reading much of it, rather just unconsciously staring at the pages while her train of thoughts about you played on her mind.


Facing the mirror, she combs her hair gently and then grabbed this essential thing. She could feel the warm air blowing through her hair like it was the heat she needed in a cold dark evening. The rumbling noise seemingly stirred her numb emotion that made her sweat a little from the inside. She's almost done  — drying her hair would be a lot easier now after cutting it short. She finally gave up her precious long hair. Not that because she's brokenhearted but she felt like she needed a change. Definitely both. Or should she confess that someone told her how more attractive short-haired girls are? She gave in to that hoping that being an ugly duckling for a long time would magically turn her into the most loveliest swan. Err..more like a prettiest princess who deserves a happily-ever-after. She pursed her lips into a thin smile then pouted while imagining a kiss would come by. With that look in her face, no doubt she's cute, her zombie version kind of pretty, not with bulging eyes of course rather a pair of healthy eye-bags and pale skin — blame Insomnia for being her best friend.

 She wished you were her insomnia so you never had to leave her. 

A few moments lost in trance. She felt loneliness swallowing her up. Even when her head feels lighter she can't deny that her heart is getting heavier each time. She wondered. Was there an arrow pierced on it?  Or a dozen of rocks piled inside? She didn't care to know why.
All she did was carry it every single moment of her life.

...since you left.

Untitled

Most of the times, I imagine you with strangers I stumble in the mall, sidewalk..almost everywhere. Or those who look at me from the other side of the bookshelves or coffee shops, yes it feels like I see you in random places through people that looked somehow similar to you. What if it's actually you? I should know right? Even with the books I read, I find a character similar to your ways or those I've been dreaming to have in my life. but then after a few moments in trance, I just snap back to reality and realized that was kind of crazy thoughts.. And too weird for anyone else to understand. Sucks.

Champola

This has nothing to do with anything. Yet there are those times that i feel like doing amazingly weird things or whatever that is. It's delightfully yum and this is one of my energy booster for such tiring and boring days.

I can't write anything yet. or did i?

Wondering Whys

Why do we have to meet people whose bound to leave in the end or worse, right in the middle of something when special closeness had already formed?

Why, when you have a lot of love to give yet there's no one else eager and brave enough to take their chance on you. It's like you're not deserving to have your own kind of fairytale to show off in the whole universe. It's like you're better off to be a wallflower hanged in the wall, pretty outside yet broken inside. That it actually made you wonder if there will ever be this time that out in the middle of nowhere someone out there will fearlessly choose to be with you, no matter what the circumstances may be.

Why, maybe those people leave for their own reasons along with the connecting reasons when they enter someone else' life. It sucks when they give the possibility of hope that you will both be together forever but then, they just ripped it away..so easily. 

Why, sometimes, it's not about falling in love rather it's the fear of getting too close and losing that someone in the end or precisely worse, right in the middle of something..and feel that tormenting pain all over again.

Night Mode at K

These buildings. They dont look so good to me, especially at night. It looked so damn creepy. The stillness and eerie chill amidst the dark appeared almost frightening. As if someone is looking from a distance, watching every move, counting every step and sensing the nervousness in every heartbeat. 

Ugh, just a wild imagination and hopeful wish combined. Why, there could really be someone out there, just unseen and unknown. I just feel it..or want to. waiting to be found.

Srsly, i always try not to look outside the window nor be brave enough to walk in the hallway or even hang around anywhere else in the area. And yes, add up that annoying squeaky sound of the elevator, a time and again indication that someone is coming for me or will just carelessly pass through the door.  Though sometimes, i'm tempted to peek through the small openings of the blinds, imagining, wondering if someone would dare to look back to catch a glimpse of me and yes somehow expecting.. it would be you.

Dont say "boo!" rather "surprise!" Instead.

K?

Much

People judge you by your outward appearance and behavior without knowing the real story behind. They only based everything on what they want to think and not what is beneath it. People who truly care wont say they care, rather they will show through actions that they really do. Insulting words can never be comforting at all. It's just as good as piercing a dozen of arrows to a deeply afflicted heart.

And when they can't take it anymore, they leave you. They even blame you for everything why it turned out that way. People want things to be fast and easy. No one can ever seem to wait and do the hard work No one can ever stay. No one can be strong enough to help you pick up your broken pieces. No one coz youre never enough. Everyone else wants MUCH.

It's all too disappointing.

Yesterday at 2:11

There's no need to remember but there's a want to be written..just all for once. And no matter how it's been, it will still remain unforgotten.

Yesterday was a lost dream. The day after yesterday is a bittersweet-found reality. It was excessively unfair. Or being enough is really something to be considered? Just when you thought you had forever in your hands,  it melted and suddenly vanished.

Yesterday is the day no one can't ever go back, just like what I had felt and whatever I am still feeling,

 it can never be taken back.

Nothing but the Truth

Everyone else leave.
Every feelings fade.
Attraction vanish into thin air.
Everyone replaces someone with somebody else.
Love expires.

It's not much surprising anymore
if any of that happen.

That's horrible truth in this life.

Selfish Pain, Fearless Goodbye

"I love you. I really do.

Wait, im not that sure.

Oh, nevermind forget it. 

It's not important anymore.

            GOODBYE.."

It's hard to accept these kind of parting words when it has been hastily told. It almost felt like choking, the lump of pain cannot be easily taken in. 

Was it really easier to say goodbye?

Was it really the only way to avoid pain?

Was it?

Or was it even more painful that way?

IDK. 

Leaving someone you can't be with, someone you don't want anymore or maybe someone you're unsure of if that person is worth keeping for or that they are more deserving of such awful, heart-wrenching, fearless goodbye than to give a chance without hesitation and skepticism in mind.

All those people who heedlessly said goodbye, i truly admire them. Why not? I'll applaud to them unstoppably as i try to hold back these exploding tears. I dont know where did they'd got all their strength because they're too strong.. Too strong enough to give up the ones who would have never gave up on them.


if only.

Hired Killer

I am your most willing victim

And You were my destined shotgun
Those bullets are your deathly goodbye
Splattered blood and overflowing tears
Was the sole witness of this crime
Of how i almost died and tried to survive
You caused this big empty hole in my chest
Unclosed to eternally bleed
Salty-scraped bitter wounds
With utter confusion and dismay
Still this heart — aches for your love